A Change in parenting
There is this important and persistent weight inside of my body. The weight comes from a sort of mission/purpose. Hard to describe it. There is an imperative that we raise children differently. Feed them differently. Educate them differently.
Here is a story. If this was you, if you relate so deeply it feels like it’s you, then keep reading.
I was in the library tonight with my oldest (we were keeping the toddler awake since she missed her nap but also having a howling good game of battleship). A grandmother and mother came into my awareness as their voices got louder over a four year old boy. “You leave now or I will take you to the car and give you a spank!” There was protest from the boy and he made to not give up his toys there. The grandmother picked him up by his one arm and plunked him on his feet, the boy wailing now.
SMACK went one hand on his bottom from Grandma.. SMACK went a hand from the mother. “You will sit home next week!! We are not coming back!!”
Their voices were angry and fierce. Anger went from their mouths right onto him like a hot splash. He cried harder and louder and their treatment went along with him. Fierce threats, yanking him, barely touching the ground, out of the library.
We were the only ones in there. No crowd. And the young girl closing pretended to be anywhere else.
My eyes filled with tears.
This boy will be a man one day. And even if he doesn’t remember THIS day, his subs-conscious WILL. He will trigger over the things the adults in his life triggered over. He will have rage over social outbursts or poor behavior. He will feel some self doubt as he was treated with no respect or preservation of his own dignity, he may feel he himself isn’t… enough…. That his mistakes are worth punishments and rudeness. He may even behave narcissistically in an attempt to self preserve.
And get this… if you haven’t been mad at your kid yet… rage-like feelings where you wanna yell at them to S-T-O-P it allllll… then you must not have kids 😂
What I’m saying is, it is normal to have our own stuff from childhood.
I have so many accounts I follow to help me calm down, rewire, parent with awesome boundaries but also show compassion and respect for their essential humanity.
It also must end with you. All of the trauma passing down business must end.
Face your demons. Recognize where they came from, name them, and take responsibility for managing them. They are yours to deal with now. You won’t be perfect and it isn’t overnight.
A new generation is coming and they deserve strong parents. Not permissive parents. Real, imperfect parents who are trying to let go of trauma. Parents who know how to hold boundaries even when they are told that “life is definitely unfair, they are unfair, it is so STUPID and they wish they could run away…” (it isn’t an exact quote from my kids, but close).
Here are my parenting gurus. I wish you Joan of Arc energy to raise a new generation with me.
Janet Landsbury has books, a podcast and now a course. Her books came to me when I had a toddler and it was soothing and also gave me direction. She is a must! janetlandsbury.com
Dr. Dan Siegel is the author of The Whole Brained Child. Number one recommended book by two of my therapist friends. He also has courses and writings on his site. The Whole Brained Child
Naomi Aldort wrote a book called Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It was my first parenting book and I couldn’t get enough of Naomi. Her website here: NaomiAldort.com
The Holistic Psychologist. She is for you, parents. Nicole is going to draw a string between the times you feel bizzerk and where it came from. That in itself is healing. That pop of “oh… that is why I do that thing.” If you do Instagram, she has daily inspiration. Otherwise, check her podcast and books. You don’t have to have had perfect parents to find wholeness.
Being direct is a love language of mine. Dr. Laura Markham is both kind and to the point. I read her emails as a lifeline to take me from my default parenting responses, to something kinder while staying in control. Her website is aptly named Aha Parenting.
